If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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