On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I will be naked everywhere
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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