Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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