someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
