I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
