I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
