My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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