her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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