i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
