There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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