His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
