I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
