You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
