I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
