just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
