Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
