So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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