What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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