I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
