So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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