after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize