Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
