some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
