I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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