Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
