You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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