Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
