I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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