He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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