Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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