Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
