at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
