Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I supernannyed him into submission
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
