i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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