He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
