I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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