Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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