a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
