need another drink. this is the easiest way
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.