Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.