I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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