we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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