I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
