I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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