I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
