you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
