Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
