I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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