she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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