the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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