I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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