i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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