Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
