When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
