I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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