Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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